Since Fall Break, the first true demarcation of progress in our freshman journey, is fast approaching, I feel like I should take a moment to reflect on my first quarter of life in college.
I have to say, nothing has turned out the way that I thought it would, or even thought it should. I expected the idyllic college life- I wanted fast friends, good grades, and so many extra-curricular activities that I never had time to notice that my social life might not be the most active. I wanted to be happy and stay busy, but I wanted it to come easy. I wanted my schedule to perfectly align itself, I wanted those friends to just show up at my lunch table, and of course I wanted all of those extra activities to fit into my days- no conflicts allowed. But life is nothing if not messy and complicated.
I wish I had a brighter picture to paint for you. And truly, I am not trying to paint a dark one, I have loved my time here at Furman. But things have been harder than I expected. Everything does not align itself on its own. You have to work. It's something I am still learning and actively working on, being the force of action in my own life. I spend too much of it waiting for something grand to happen, rather than doing those grand things for myself. My roommate always laughs at me because when I go looking for my friends to see if someone wants to hang out- I will not knock on a closed door. I figure if someone was around and wanted to do something, the door would be open. I miss opportunities, and I know it, but I don't want to be a burden or a bother. But I never once consider that maybe the person sitting on the other side of that closed door (assuming that there is someone sitting on the other side) is hoping that someone knocks. And all of life is like that- there's always more than one possibility, but like Schrodinger's Cat, we cannot know whether or not something is worthwhile until we decide to actively engage it.
Ernest Hemingway has this quote: "Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."
So I am trying to breathe deeply. Sometimes I forget to breathe. And sometimes those moments happen in the middle of Chemistry tests. My grade in my first chemistry class for science majors started out as a D. I panicked on my first exam, and I could barely even complete the test, let alone do well. I am one of those kids that did not come here expecting to lose that bright and shiny 4.0 she had in high school. But I might, and I know that now. So I work harder, and I breathe, and I pull my grade up slowly (fairly happily, it now resides at a mid B and climbing all the time). I find so much of my day is stressing about exams, about quizzes, about labs, about readings- some nights the pressure is overwhelming. But it doesn't have to be. Academics are vitally important to success, but not everything has to be flawless. It just needs to be my personal best, whatever that is for that day. If I do that- no shame, no disappointment, just deep breaths and a chin held high.
I am trying really to taste food when I eat. And I don't necessarily mean some of the less than savory options at the DH. I am just trying to enjoy my meals. I like spending meal times with friends, sharing in whatever the day has held thus far, and just making small talk. And maybe all we do that particular day is gripe about the food, but I feel like I will be more involved in my meal, and enjoy it more, if I have someone there to share it with. I love going out with my roommate and our friends for dinners on Friday nights- we attempt to try a new place or a new type of food, and on the cheap. Not only is it easy on the wallet, it's easy on us too. It gives us a chance to relax and enjoy the company around us. Especially in college, food can be one of those ties that bind.
I am trying really to sleep when I sleep. And that right there is plain and simple common sense good advice for any college student. When given the opportunity- pick sleep. And if you're tired and you know that whatever happens next isn't going to be easy or pleasant, or that you could potentially say something or do something that you will regret in the morning- don't pull a Ted Mosby. Go to sleep. I am not saying that I will be trying to sleep longer- I enjoy staying busy, staying up, and occasionally staying out late. I am just saying that I will try to sleep deeply, to take the opportunities for rest that I have been given and not squander them by pushing myself past my own personal limits of exhaustion when I could be living a healthier, happier life- well rested.
I am trying to laugh like hell when I laugh. I'm not the most outwardly reactive person on the face of the planet, and I will never be the person that laughs really loudly or really frequently, or adopts some giggle that permeates every one of my conversations with a member of the opposite sex. But I am trying to surround myself with people and things that bring me happiness. I laugh in theatre rehearsal almost every day. I laugh in flute lessons. I laugh harder than I can ever remember laughing when I am playing with the kids at St. Anthony's school. There are things that bring us joy- and sometimes we are tired or worried or in the throws of social unbalance or under the weather and it becomes harder to find those things. But I feel comfort in knowing that they are always there.
I am trying to get good and angry when I get angry. This isn't just because I need to be good and angry about plastics in our ocean for Pomp and Circumstance. Sometimes we all need to vent, we all need someone to listen. And that is okay. It's better than bottling things up and it's better than hiding behind jokes or sarcasm or even a fake smile. I know that there's at least one person right now who is good and angry with me, whom I have disappointed, whose friendship I have not given full respect. The fault is mine. These things, the harder things we don't want to deal with or own up to, are the things that give us the most opportunity to grow, to get good and angry whether it be with the other person or with ourselves. It is only through this that we can rebuild and move on, whatever that means. I am hopeful that my particular situation will heal. I know for my part that I am not going anywhere. But I also know that sometimes things never heal, and sometimes when they do they take on a new shape, and the friendship is never exactly the same. Often, it is changed in a way we wish it was not. That too is one of the things that it is okay to get good and angry about, so long as it leads to a better understanding, and eventually a mutual peace.
I am trying to be alive. I think it's a good start that all my vital organs are in working order. But beyond that I think this quarter has been a better start. For all my more melancholic musings, I have met some incredible people here, I adore my classes (even chemistry), and I have become involved in a couple things that brighten my day.
So there it is. A little about what I have learned and what I intend to do with that knowledge going forward. And maybe it will all come to naught. Maybe I will decide I still wish everything came easy. But at least I am trying right? Because there is so much joy in life here at Furman to be wasted wondering what could be. At this point, that is the most important lesson I have learned.
Enjoy fall break, all. Until the next!
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